Saturday, 19 April 2014

Inspiration Disgusted

This is just one of the days where I just feel really sick and seriously couldn't do anything.


But this is the day usually I would find the most important things in my life, or even find the best inspirations that I might never discover if I did not zone out for like that past 1 hour of my life.


Yknow sometimes I just feel like, I am no normal person. I am a different person, I am not someone who caters to everyone's need. Happiness comes to us when we least expected it to appear. I am not trying to say you should stop everything you do and just blindly find out what is your " happiness ", but I am asking you to find yourself.


Just a few days ago, I was feeling really disgusted and taken aback because I felt like I was different. Because I don't react the same way as how people define as "normal", I will be out casted.


I do always have weird and amazing things going through my brain every single day, every single time I see something, every single little movement, every single detail. Who knows I might just fall in love with a complete stranger?


People are inspired by pretty girls, they aspire to be like them. But what they do not know is, they can find someone better than that. Themselves.


Was not until long until someone made me snap out of it. I have always wanted to be another person, but now, I just want to be me. Although I am not any better than everything, I aspire to be myself. I want to be able to actually tell myself I can go through all of this. But I am lacking, I am lacking of the confidence to stand out.


Telling the world you are going to be different is a hormonal exchange moment. Because as we all know, this century of society is just so wrapped up by the "latest trend" , " new thing". I don't really keep up to them. Many people I know, are actually really up to the newest trending things. When they talk about it, kind of feels bad because I do not really know what to say. Sometimes I even force myself to read up or even do some marketing research about those " trending stuffs"  just to have a better conversation with more people out there.


I was not true to myself.


I was really tired about being "normal" and being all okay for those people. It is tiring to act like you like it. It is tiring to not be able to converse without all those thinking of how to phrase this. Will I say something wrongly? Oh crap I said the wrong thing. All this are constantly on my mind because I wanted to be accepted by people.


I rarely, or almost zero. I never talked to this about anyone. But I still decided to show everyone who I truly is, deep within.


I am no Mona Lisa.


Whenever I pick up my courage again and be myself. People stare, People comment about me. Because they do not understand. I hate how people are always so judgmental about how I wear certain things outdoor. I mean like, I like it this way, it is not you that is wearing it, right?


I admit, I cried because I felt like I was not being accepted in the circle. I even think that my bestfriend don't understand the things I am going through sometimes. I can't blame her, her life does not only revolves around me. She has got other things to do. Although so, she still holds a special place in my heart where no one can replace her. yet. Because people come and go, I am real like this, if you can handle it. I am not sorry at all.


Being real and being bold is my traits. As told, people are going to hate you no matter you tell them the truth or the lie. Some people enjoy staying in the dark, some people rather stay in the dark. Within darkness, you can't tell if someone is evil or ugly. Because humans are all the same, we judge by what we see, what we think is right and wrong.


Like I said, there is always going to be someone that disagree in whatever you say.


If I said from now onwards, it will be the true me. Will you accept it? Regardless of what I become? I have changed. From this year, I think I learnt how to lie more. Because I lie to the whole world. I am not the person you see, you know, you knew, you learnt from. Whether was I a b*tch, whether was I a huge disgusting thing you will see crawling everywhere.


I think first I need to learn, is to be true to myself and my opinions. I speak my opinions loudly, even now, everything is said with my opinion and experience. You can have a different view, I told you, it was MY OPINION. So, its up to my brain to actually think of things.


I get discouraged by people's eyes. I will have so many thoughts in my brain you won't know. There are somedays where I just use loads of makeup to cover up what I think needs to be covered. Maybe that will help.


2 days ago, I made a promise to myself that I needed to be free. I texted someone, whom I don't know. She is a blogger. She had a similar experience. She gave me the new hope I was craving. She gave me the perfect answer. I told her how I was feeling really down and not true to myself. Well, she told me a story and I decided to tell you guys too. The story goes,


" 2 men was on a boat, sailing out to the river. Suddenly one of the man saw a scorpion, sinking in the waves. He put his hand on the water so the scorpion can climb on. But the scorpion sting him. He saved the scorpion but he is suffering from the poison. The other man asked : why do you save the creature when it tried to kill you. The man replied : My nature is to love, the Scorpion's nature is to kill. Why should I sacrifice my nature for his nature? "


" Be yourself and never be sorry" she said to me. I am not going to mention who she is, she is place in a very deep place in my heart, she made me realised that all of those that I have going through was just because I didn't trust myself. Now I know, being myself would make me stronger, strongest because I believed. She took the time to teach me, inspire me, to disregard others negativity about me. People think I am abnormal, but I don't feel so. I feel so powerful, when I am really doing my thing.


You are the strongest thing you can ever imagine.


ig: @nsnceline , follow me for doses of happiness.

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