
Insecurities.
My insecurities. As a typical Leo, I should have never be able to make this
post, especially when it is about my OWN insecurities but who knows some of you
out there might be able to relate to this. It is very hard for me to actually
put this out there.
I
always come up to be a very confident and secured person but in actual fact, I
am far from being that. That image is self-built. Yes, I am confident and I am
not afraid to be myself, but as a fellow human being like you I have my
self-doubts and problems.
I
try to only resonate happiness in this platform but sometimes it really isn’t
all those rainbows and butterflies in a
unicorn island situation. My roller coaster needs maintenance sometimes
too. I hide in my cave more than you think I do, I am not very outgoing at
times where I need comfort but because I am very stubborn and have huge refusal
to bother others into my own problems I choose to face them myself. And again,
most of the time, I just screw everything up and the problem always end either
with me wounded with scars or a hero came to rescue, but I am not always that
lucky.
The
fact that I have always lived a comfortable life, gave me a huge disability to
understand people I want to know about the most because we are all living in
this plastic beautiful world, I still have to (again) hide everything.
Reminder:
No one will emphasize you, you do not need sympathy.
Whatever
I chose to do, will eventually result in the worse decision ever made. This is
why I leave job decisions to others and choose to do the back work instead,
just in case I screw up. Times on where I cannot rely on others, I lose myself,
because I am a weakling that cannot be bossed around, yet can’t be the leader.
So,
my first insecurity: The fear of making things worst, screwing up.
I
look very different without make up just a side note. I don’t think I look ugly
but there is a huge difference when it comes to before and after.
As
much as people say,
“You
look fine. Why do you think so much?”
“Your
body is slim. Why don’t you eat?”
“You
look good no matter what you wear!”
All
sounds like hypocritical words to me
because I think I don’t. The key word here is “THINK”.
The
mind is the main controller for your thoughts and dude, you can’t decide what
you want to think at that moment. I can’t deny that negative thoughts surface
more than positive ones. I doubt every single compliment that was given to me
and only really accept those that I think I deserve.
To
wear whatever the hell I want? To wear whatever lipstick I want? Is this really
the truth?
The
fact that behind the scenes, the number of outfits that I put together before I
actually choose one is horrendous. If for every outfit I ever thought about
wearing but gave up because it was too “over” (in my opinion) I get a dollar, I
would have been a millionaire since 2 years ago.
I
am so fucking self-conscious till the point I feel so guilty because I need a
mirror wherever I go, check my hair, my lipstick, my eyeliner, guys, its
tiring.
BUT,
YET, AGAIN, I cannot help it.
When
people stare or even just take one look, I would have extreme anxiety. I mean
like I am fabulous I know but don’t stare………… XD
My
second insecurity: The way I dress, the way I look.
The
fact that knowing I am such a failure in studies make me feel sad sometimes. It’s
kind of hard to realize everyone around is doing a good job but you are not. I
have nothing to flaunt, especially this area.
When
people presume I have good results and make fun of me for saying I am very bad
at certain subjects makes me feel even worse about myself. It just shows that
people already has this certain expectation or view of me that cannot and won’t
change. I hesitate a lot when it comes to problems like this. Because I have so
much issues regarding this I cannot even prompt myself to answer to those people,
“hey actually I got a fail grade for everything”.
Tension
built was so restricting because I was literally writing this is giving me
anxiety, not joking.
Living
up to expectation, my own expectations, other’s expectations and family’s
expectation. It depends on how your parents bring u up to let you have each and
every a different mindset. Mine taught me to be better, better than the others,
better than my siblings, just be as good as I can. Maybe that is where all the
pressure is coming from, maybe that isn’t what my parents intended but in my
head, that is how it is resonating.
Because
of expectations, I became a coward
towards things. I get delusional about the things that I can and cannot
achieve.
I
ever mentioned, goals and expectations are a whole two different thing. You can
set however high your goals to be but expectations? Leave that alone. Work hard
towards your goal and expect nothing in return will be the best policy you can
ever have. It is really easy to say but so difficult to achieve because I realized
it a little too late for my own good. So, for those people who hasn’t settle
down a straight mindset, consume those wise words and you will get hurt less.
I
dislike being a failure so, I would do anything to avoid it, and when I can’t...
Things get foggy again.
My
third insecurity: not being able to meet expectations.
It
has always been me, and myself. How am I supposed face these problems myself?
I
have been pretty good at hiding it, isn’t it?
The
list can just go on and on and on but I am trying not to get affected.
Let’s
be positive unicorns in this sunny island. <3
(PS its pretty wordy IK)
With
loves,
cel
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