Wednesday, 16 September 2015

My Insecurities

Insecurities. My insecurities. As a typical Leo, I should have never be able to make this post, especially when it is about my OWN insecurities but who knows some of you out there might be able to relate to this. It is very hard for me to actually put this out there.

I always come up to be a very confident and secured person but in actual fact, I am far from being that. That image is self-built. Yes, I am confident and I am not afraid to be myself, but as a fellow human being like you I have my self-doubts and problems.

I try to only resonate happiness in this platform but sometimes it really isn’t all those rainbows and butterflies in a unicorn island situation. My roller coaster needs maintenance sometimes too. I hide in my cave more than you think I do, I am not very outgoing at times where I need comfort but because I am very stubborn and have huge refusal to bother others into my own problems I choose to face them myself. And again, most of the time, I just screw everything up and the problem always end either with me wounded with scars or a hero came to rescue, but I am not always that lucky.

The fact that I have always lived a comfortable life, gave me a huge disability to understand people I want to know about the most because we are all living in this plastic beautiful world, I still have to (again) hide everything.

Reminder: No one will emphasize you, you do not need sympathy.

Whatever I chose to do, will eventually result in the worse decision ever made. This is why I leave job decisions to others and choose to do the back work instead, just in case I screw up. Times on where I cannot rely on others, I lose myself, because I am a weakling that cannot be bossed around, yet can’t be the leader.

So, my first insecurity: The fear of making things worst, screwing up.

I look very different without make up just a side note. I don’t think I look ugly but there is a huge difference when it comes to before and after.

As much as people say,

“You look fine. Why do you think so much?”

“Your body is slim. Why don’t you eat?”

“You look good no matter what you wear!”

All sounds like hypocritical words to me because I think I don’t. The key word here is “THINK”.

The mind is the main controller for your thoughts and dude, you can’t decide what you want to think at that moment. I can’t deny that negative thoughts surface more than positive ones. I doubt every single compliment that was given to me and only really accept those that I think I deserve.

To wear whatever the hell I want? To wear whatever lipstick I want? Is this really the truth?

The fact that behind the scenes, the number of outfits that I put together before I actually choose one is horrendous. If for every outfit I ever thought about wearing but gave up because it was too “over” (in my opinion) I get a dollar, I would have been a millionaire since 2 years ago.

I am so fucking self-conscious till the point I feel so guilty because I need a mirror wherever I go, check my hair, my lipstick, my eyeliner, guys, its tiring.

BUT, YET, AGAIN, I cannot help it.

When people stare or even just take one look, I would have extreme anxiety. I mean like I am fabulous I know but don’t stare………… XD

My second insecurity: The way I dress, the way I look.

The fact that knowing I am such a failure in studies make me feel sad sometimes. It’s kind of hard to realize everyone around is doing a good job but you are not. I have nothing to flaunt, especially this area.

When people presume I have good results and make fun of me for saying I am very bad at certain subjects makes me feel even worse about myself. It just shows that people already has this certain expectation or view of me that cannot and won’t change. I hesitate a lot when it comes to problems like this. Because I have so much issues regarding this I cannot even prompt myself to answer to those people, “hey actually I got a fail grade for everything”.

Tension built was so restricting because I was literally writing this is giving me anxiety, not joking.

Living up to expectation, my own expectations, other’s expectations and family’s expectation. It depends on how your parents bring u up to let you have each and every a different mindset. Mine taught me to be better, better than the others, better than my siblings, just be as good as I can. Maybe that is where all the pressure is coming from, maybe that isn’t what my parents intended but in my head, that is how it is resonating.

Because of expectations, I became a coward towards things. I get delusional about the things that I can and cannot achieve.

I ever mentioned, goals and expectations are a whole two different thing. You can set however high your goals to be but expectations? Leave that alone. Work hard towards your goal and expect nothing in return will be the best policy you can ever have. It is really easy to say but so difficult to achieve because I realized it a little too late for my own good. So, for those people who hasn’t settle down a straight mindset, consume those wise words and you will get hurt less.

I dislike being a failure so, I would do anything to avoid it, and when I can’t... Things get foggy again.

My third insecurity: not being able to meet expectations.

It has always been me, and myself. How am I supposed face these problems myself?

I have been pretty good at hiding it, isn’t it?

The list can just go on and on and on but I am trying not to get affected.

Let’s be positive unicorns in this sunny island. <3

(PS its pretty wordy IK) 

With loves,


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