The journey of self-discovery.
Life is as muddled as it always has been and I was
alittle very tired. It was
then I started to question my self-existence. I once got on this taxi where the
driver kept preaching about Christianity, and somewhat questioned me about
“What is the reason we are down here on earth?” “We have a life mission to complete
and hence we are here to fulfil it for whoever and whatever”. I was mildly
irritated. I am not a believer of the gods. Why do you have to force those
questions upon me when you can think about it yourself was my thoughts at that
point of time. I wasn’t interested. Thinking back now, writing this post, it
was an important question where everyone should ask themselves.
“What is the purpose of my existence in this living period?”
Ignorance towards my true self is something I lived with for a long time.
Yet again, what is True Self supposed to be? You may ask. It means, “finding your purpose in life, digging deep into your childhood, growing days, revealing the experiences that shaped you over time. Good or bad. It means realizing what your beliefs are and living by it” is my definition.
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
Another day, another class missed, another alarm turned off. The lack of motivation to move, half asleep, unanswered questions glidingly in and out of my mind. This was most of my morning for my whole life I had remembered. I was never motivated by the promising things of schools, but it had always been set in my head that a degree was my goal and my path to eternal elusive happiness. That was my “belief” and perhaps my parents’ as well, that I would become something successful and wake up every day saying “THIS ARE THE DAYS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE” but that morning epiphany never came.
One of my other mottos in life that I constantly abuse was “You can sleep when you die;” I never shield myself from any sort of shit because I was too “up” for it. No matter how tired or scared I got, I was able to slap myself awake and do things that I never thought I was able to do. It was that exact moment approximately 4.57AM in the morning. I realized something profound – I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
I was lost. So lost in being something I wasn’t.
This hole of “lost”, was do deep and dark and cold. And really all you do is dig deeper to hopefully find some warmth in the soil you drawn out. For a moment, I felt safe, but over time, safe stopped serving me. Safety in the wilderness is confinement, imprisonment, miserable and empty.
Have you ever felt like your life was uncomfortably predictable, like YOU KNEW what was going to happen next every second of every day? The stagnancy of my life was destroying my soul internally.
it was YET on the same day I found out that I got into some deep shit. It’s like if being stuck in a well is not bad enough that you have to be thrown into the middle of an ocean. I was so alone. At that point of time. Not only the sense of my identity was taken away, but my spirit and all that was concerned. I was practically just a human with an empty shell.
I was being cyber-bullied and harassed in public. Imagine the shame walking in your uniform in school with hundreds of people staring at you in the assembly line. I eventually stopped going to school. Being questioned with things like “What do you really want?” “What can I do to help you?” “Please tell me what is wrong” by my mother was a horror story. What is worse it people around me started to blame themselves for not being responsible enough to take care of my mental state.
I was on the verge of reaching insanity, but I wasn’t crazy.
I was on the verge of killing myself, but I couldn’t.
I was on the verge of not wanting to get up anymore, but I tried.
Caught up in a maze. I was so vulnerable. What can be worse is, that all of these happened before a major exam. I couldn’t study with all the noise that is following me wherever I go. Whatever I touch seem to corrode instantly, that was how poisonous I was.
So, I became a rebel.
I was a heartbreaker. I toy with people’s feelings because that made me feel less angered by the fact that someone can live so peacefully. I was that girl, your best friend warned you about but you went ahead because I package myself in a way where I need protection. Guys love that, I knew exactly where everyone’s weakness was and used it to manipulate them because they were “unforgiving people that needs to know the taste of feeling dumb at the end”.
But I soon found my new escape. This just proves that even the darkest tunnel has its ending.
I found someone. Someone who is wiser than me, cooler than me, more mature than me that also gone through similar experiences. He said, “You build a castle to lock yourself up, if you never ever step out of your lonely rooms, you never know how great you are as a princess where people admire you.” But of course, words are so little. I thought he would be the guide for me to the new lights.
Yet again, it’s not happening. I struggled so much by myself. I started blaming on others that they couldn’t help me.
But it’s all me.
It’s just me.
Time skip for a bit.
I started about in a new school and decided that I wanted to be better and was determined. I found myself some new interest, and opened myself to some new people and accepted them into my world. It was really tough, but I made it. I walked into my stream of lights without knowing.
It was a magical moment of enlightenment. I can only put it that way.
Through those harder waves, I learn about myself a lot more and am really not embarrassed by them. For example, I LOVE EECHI. Irl too. That was something that I needed to hide before I accepted it.
The journey of self-discovery.
It’s a mixture of hardships and pretty times. you would be thankful to have grown stronger.
The journey of self-discovery,
It is a never ending roller coaster ride.
The journey of self-discovery,
You eventually will learn how to get the hang of it.
I wished I had more courage to write deeper.